Having a newborn baby can be difficult. You're constantly worried about their health and whether or not you're doing everything right. On top of that, you're also dealing with a lack of sleep and adjusting to life with a new person in the house. It's important to remember that you need your own space too.
An anonymous expectant Mom on Reddit asked for advice about whether asking her Mom to stay in a nearby hotel after her baby was born was inappropriate or not.
I (24f) am currently pregnant, due in december. I live with my fiancé Dan in the town where I grew up. I have a great relationship with my parents, but they had me quite late in life and they're both retired now, living in a beach town in the south.
When they moved out, they sold me the house I grew up in well below market value, in exchange for me hosting them when they needed/wanted to come into town. It's been like that for two years, they've been here a bunch of times for 3-4 days at a time, and it's been a good arrangement I think.
Now, yesterday, I was talking to my mom about the birth and I brought up that I would like her to be in town when I give birth and to stay for a few weeks after. Dan has no relationship with his family and I'm an only child, with only a couple of very elderly aunts and a few cousins I don't have much of a relationship with, so we don't really have much in terms of a support system. Therefore, I'd love for my parents to come here and help around the house, with the baby, offer me the emotional support I know I'm going to need, etc.
My mom was excited that I was asking her to do this and said that she'd be okay with staying with us for a few weeks while we adjusted to the baby. I then told her that I didn't mean her staying with us, just in town, as I believe Dan and I are going to need and want alone time to adjust to the baby. My mom was a little offended, saying that she wasn't going to bother us and she was going to help out, but I told her it was nothing personal, I just preferred if she got a hotel or AirBnB or something.
My father then intervened, having been somewhere within earshot, and said that accomodation was going to be really expensive around that time of the year (our town has a very famous, very big Christmas market) and he wasn't about to spend thousands of dollars when I was asking them to come AND it had been our agreement when they sold me the house that they could stay whenever they wanted.
Which, like, fair, but I don't think that having a newborn at home is just a regular time in someone's life and it's not like I ever complained about them coming over before. I just don't want them in the house, but I do want them in town, and I feel a little sad that they are putting money above me and their grandson.
My mother hung up the call trying to appease the situation, but then sent me a text saying that her and my dad were a little upset over the whole thing and that they thought I wasn't being reasonable.
When Dan got home, I told him all this and he kind of sided with them, saying that they should be allowed to stay with us. But I still don't think it makes sense, as we are going to be needing our alone time. Was I the a**hole here?
sarcastic_mzungu weighed in:
As someone who has been through childbirth and had my mom to help me out afterward, let me let you in on a secret. You ABSOLUTELY will want them staying at your house unless your parents are super unreasonable people, which it doesn’t sound like they are.
If you feel strongly about having personal time with just you and your partner adjusting to parent roles then schedule that time just after the hospital stay when you are still fresh and call your parents to come help when you are ready for a helping hand and willing to open up your home for such. If my experience is any indication, the need for a helping hand will outweigh your desire for alone time pretty fast when all you want is someone else to hold the baby for a few so you can go pass out. You are going to need them and you want to make their lives as easy as possible for them to WANT to come help you!
sssmay added:
I'm currently pregnant and can't imagine asking this of anyone I would want for support. Especially if I were to ask them to come! My MIL lives only 20 mins away and I'm still planning to offer my guestroom in the event she wants to be over to help out! If OP wants privacy she can ask her parents to come a week or 2 after the baby is born and then host them. But expecting them to hotel/airbnb for a few weeks is crazy.
Kathrynlena said:
She also wants them there to help with house work. She‘s asking them to come over and clean the house they’re not allowed to stay in, then leave to go back to the hotel she expects them to pay for. The audacity of some new parents…
Parenting is one of the most rewarding experiences you'll ever have. It's also one of the most challenging. Luckily, you don't have to go it alone. If you have parents willing and able to help out, here are a few tips on asking for their help in a way that feels comfortable for everyone involved.
Talk about your expectations upfront.
The last thing you want is your parents to feel like they're not meeting your expectations. Before they even offer to help, have a conversation with them about what you're hoping for. That way, they can decide if they're able and/or willing to meet those expectations. Remember, your parents are probably busy with their own lives, so try not to be too demanding.
Be specific about what you need help with.
It's important to be specific about what kind of help you need. Do you need someone to watch the baby while you take a shower? Do you need help making dinner? Do you need someone to run errands for you? The more specific you can be, the better. Otherwise, your parents might feel they are floundering around trying to figure out what they're supposed to do. Not only is that frustrating for them, but it's also stressful for you.
Set up a regular schedule.
If your parents will be helping out regularly, setting up a schedule in advance is important. That way, they can plan their own lives around the times when they'll be helping you out. Again, try not to be too rigid with the schedule; allow some flexibility if something comes up on their end or yours.
Show your appreciation.
Last but not least, don't forget to show your appreciation! A simple "thank you" goes a long way, but there are many other ways to show appreciation. You could cook them dinner once in a while, buy them a small gift now and then, or simply take some time out of your day to talk with them and catch up on what's going on in their lives. Whatever you do, ensure they know that you appreciate their help; it'll make them more likely to want to continue helping out in the future.
Asking your parents for help with a newborn baby can be daunting, but it doesn't have to be uncomfortable or difficult if you follow these simple tips. By being clear about your expectations upfront, being specific about what kind of help you need, setting up a regular schedule, and showing your appreciation, you can ask for the help you need in a way that feels good for everyone involved!
Having a newborn baby can be difficult. You sometimes need help from family and friends to get through the tough times. Luckily, there are plenty of resources available to help you out. Here are some tips for coping with a new baby:
1. Get plenty of rest when you can. Newborns require much care and attention, so taking care of yourself is important.
2. Don't hesitate to ask for help from family and friends. They can offer valuable support and assistance during this challenging time.
3. Take advantage of online resources and parenting forums. These can be great sources of advice and support from other parents who have been through the same thing.
4. Seek professional help if you're struggling to cope. Sometimes, it can be helpful to talk to a therapist or counselor who can offer additional support.
5. Remember that this time is temporary. It can be difficult to adjust to life with a new baby, but it won't last forever. With time and patience, you'll get the hang of it!
Let us know your thoughts on this daughter in the comments below.
